uh-oh. the age is starting to get serious, isn’t it.
i cried listening to “never grow up” by taylor swift in the office last friday. god, that song is so, so good. i cried at the line “So here I am in my new apartment/ In a big city, they just dropped me off/ It’s so much colder than I thought it would be/ So I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on” because i am at that stage now… y’know, finally on my own, be at that age where i imagine to have everything figured out as a kid. and it’s bittersweet, because you do want to be at that age where it gets serious, but birthdays get less and less important now.
how i wished I’d never grown up. i had grown up so much in the past year… oh wow. your 21st year on Earth was actually quite magnificent. a majority defined by heartbreak, but how you rose from the ashes and did a magnificent “we’re so back” from that January “it’s so over”. God, the one you wrote last year was so short and 5 months late, if I recall. Just letting you know, 2025 veronica is so much happier and healthier. she went through tough times, very, very, tough times mentally, but she survived all of it. Shoutout to The Tortured Poets Department, I only understood that album this year. But more importantly, you GRADUATED from UC Berkeley and has a full-time job straight out of job. Not to mention a 2-month vacation to Europe, Africa and Asia. You are living the dream life of many people, including your younger self’s. You should be so proud, but you’re not. You should be so worried, but you’re not. You should be starving for new forms of validation, but you don’t. But the good and bad news is, you’re on your own now, and you gotta just do it. Because nobody is gonna handhold you through your career.
a good portion of your crashouts contained your observation of how your dismissive avoidant style and how it manifests in your life, physically and socially. You are really good at rationalizing feelings and breaking problems down in to consumable pieces for yourself, but partially in a narcissistic way because you don’t even plan to resolve them. you concluded around end of last year that knowing emotions, trust and conflict induces so much discomfort in you, but you never figured out how to fix that. but it’s not weak to need help, it’s not cringe to care.
i know part of you thinks you’re unfixable, unsavable, and unlovable. Some part of you being proud of it in a twisted, narcissistic way, but I know still longs to be understood and loved. Not just feared, admired, or disgusted by. You will be perceived, and that’s okay. You think deeply and feel deeply, and that’s okay. Be at peace with the fact that your public persona differs from the dark, mysterious Scorpio type that you long for, cuz you are not crazy enough to go full goth? Or are you? Gosh, if you go goth you better do it quick, time is running out. You’re just silly and goofy at times, serious and profound at others. pick-me 24/7. i know you want to be known, to be understood, to be fixed. but that’s gotta start with you. “if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.” never fix anything internal with anything external. i know you know that no amount of clothes, lipstick, or boys can fix the void within. but meanwhile, hedonism fucks hard. trust the process baby. the rest shall fall into place.
nah, nah, nah, stop with the compliments and insults. stop stating things that you’ve know your entire life. your 22-year-old life goal? find who you are outside of work. don’t just base yourself on your career. i know you thought it was the greatest pillar a person can have, but it gets shaky. once you find who you are beyond work, i know you will feel better about yourself.
eat for me. XD