when i fall in love, i try to become better for the other person. i try to be more kind, understanding, trustworthy and disciplined for them. i want to say i do it for myself, but one could say i am trying to level the other person to be worthy of their love.
when i fall out of love, i dont just simply mourn, i investigate. i know that i cant change anything external, so i glimpse introspectively towards my own character and faults. i hold an autopsy. i grief. i search for reasons for why it ended, and i always look into myself first. before blaming. its my way of coping.
but lately, ive been thinking, maybe i should stop grieving. ive done it again and again, opening wounds and digging up graves just to come to the same three conclusions. i maybe i should pour the love into me and care of myself on behalf of myself. no it’s not some clichéd bullshit like I need to love me or whatever. I think I am comfortable with myself, but i dont appreciate myself enough. i love me in love because that was fuel to become better. but i like myself better when i activate my ambition. when i take care of my skin, eat, and exercise. when i know i and only i am responsible of my wellbeing and happiness. and my art, my intellect, my remaining 7 years as a 20-some thing (oh man it’s going by so fast) is something i need to cultivate for myself. i need that activation. i need to be my own muse and stop outsourcing that motivation to some dumbass motherfucker. not to dishonor misplaced depth, but to distill and devote it to back to myself.
and you might think wow roni you have so much time on your hands self-actualizing and writing dumb bs like this but. yall have time to deal w bs with men?!?!? so now that im out of men maybe i need to pour it back into me.
oh, to be that crazy 17-year-old who had not a penny to her name but knowing to work hard and grab opportunities by both hands again.