Greetings. Hope this letter finds you well. I am indeed in the US of A, doing whatever, eating whatever. 17 isn't too bad, but it could be better. I feel like you will become a better person year by year, the current "me" isn't fully developed yet. But being "18" technically means being an adult, right? 18 is what 30 is to adulthood. 18 is probably the most romanticized age in American media. (Sidenote: none of the things in songs about being seventeen happened to you. Up top.) The Perks of Being A Wallflower remains as my favorite piece about adolescence of all time.
But I know I am not fully "there" yet. Not sure if I'm just plain-ol' spoiled or immature, but I don't know if I am capable of becoming an adult. I don't want to. Some people say that they aspired to be adult-like as a kid, but that was never me. In fact, I am still shocked and in distress by the fact that I am no longer attending real-life school in my hometown, going back home at 4:30pm to my mom and waiting till 7:15pm when my dad comes back. The fact that I will never have to think of which yucky Chinese restaurants to go to in North Point with my mom and dad. That I don't ever need to dread waking up 6:45am every weekday. That is all a part of the past now. That is the 12-year routine that I have to let go of, simple memories that will be lost. In time.
I don't "miss" anything, by any means. I am not homesick. Life goes on, you go on. But normality has yet to settle in my peanut-sized brain. I cling to what was left, hoping that the bowl of sliced apples right in front of me isn't my last. You will embrace the change. You have to welcome the sweet sorrows and the violent delights of life. But just so you know, at the edge of seventeen, I will continue to reminiscence. My mom is leaving on my birthday, and I think that is pretty symbolic. Soon, you will stop remembering. You will find yourself far above immigrant trauma, far above the 17-year-old you. You will be fine. That's what I like to think.
Your first 17 years on Earth is hella cringe, bro. But you would not have become the person that you are now without the 17-year-cringe. I want to give credit where it's due, and so stop being so mean and bitter over the cringe you. You need to hold yourself accountable with your actions, so just because you've grown out of the *insert cringey thing I stanned* phase, it doesn't mean you could deprecate the you in the past. You could be so narcissistic sometimes that you can't even like the old you. Remember, you LIKED the mushroom haircut. You pride of it since 4th grade, so don't act so disgusted when you see old photos of yourself. The old you is fine, you're the problem. So get on with it. Be the person your little self wants you to be. Do it for her.
17 year old you is a bitter, half-disillusioned half-delusional person. To 16-year-old me, thank you for making the hard decisions a year ago. Don't even worry about the physics test- you dropped the subject soon after. That was the best decision I have ever made. As for DSE, I am proud to say that it did not flop. It's pretty good, and you have gained a much bigger respect for Chinese language and culture. Looking back, I bet I was quite mentally disturbed while prepping for DSE. The two artists you were listening to were Leslie Cheung and Dir En Grey. Canto-pop and Japanese Metal. But now that you're off to stress-free college, I'm sure you're doing better. Just stop. Being so anxious alright. It will be fine.
The 16 year old requested me to come to terms with feelings last year. I am glad to inform her that I have succeeded in the task, and I absolutely enjoy being sentimental over absolutely everything. You are the sentimentalist, like Rick in Casablanca. Instead of wishing you a great taste, I am telling you that taste is a social construct. There is no such thing as "taste", it's probably a classist myth. You taste in non-existent. This year, I hope that you could come to terms with your self-perception. Are you self-conscious? Narcissistic? Insecure or too secure? Just accept that you will never be good enough because you are better than the rest of them. Because when you don't have a Nick, you have to tell yourself that they are a rotten crowd and you're worth the damn bunch put together.
Stay authentic, profound and vulnerable. I have high hopes for you. See you on the other side of adulthood.