Becoming Better Levelling

I would regard myself as being in some sort of “flop era” ever since I graduated high school. The quarantine period was one of the most productive phases of my life, but that is very far behind me now. There were numerous attempts on my end to rekindle my good habits, such as writing, reading, and doing my podcast, but I felt like I am in a creative gutter where I am no longer motivated to create more.

I never felt like I had to impress anyone. Well, maybe when I was doing college applications, but I don’t think that stemmed from any of my insecurities. My intention with starting all of these side projects was just to prove a point, a point that probably does not matter to me anymore. Does anyone care if I am multifaceted? The only person I have left to impress is myself, and as Lorde said, she is so hard to please (but she is a forest fire indeed).

I haven’t felt at ease since 2020. With meeting new people in college, identifying with my own accomplishments, and being comfortable with where I am at in general, there is always some sort of cognitive dissonance between how I feel versus how I think I should feel. I know myself enough to know my potentials and capabilities, but I don’t know if just “knowing” is enough.

We all have different sides of ourselves to show to different people. We camouflage and adapt to different environments, and it is a coping mechanism so we wouldn’t get hurt. Friends, family, lovers, and yourself. And I believe that there is not a single form that defines us as a person, it is always a combination of all these sides. One of the common themes in my writing is about being ambiguous and leaving much room for imagination, and I think the way I write can truly display how I think as I mature. If you know me personally, you might have yet to meet my other sides: the literary giant, the STEMinist, the misandrist, the comedian, and the immature version of me.

But sometimes, I feel an invisible, strong force that compells me to abandon all these ordained versions and craft a new personality. I guess this has something to do with the American myth, of how reinvention brings us new experiences. I can’t follow through with my habits, and I don’t like how perishable our stupid dreams and expectations are. Everything is futile.

Counterpoint: I guess the new and updated point I need to prove is that I am enough. I should stop beating myself up for how I stopped blogging, reading, or doing my podcast. Instead, I should just get started with becoming better myself. I will start writing more (very therapeutic), reading self-help books, start flossing, and sleeping earlier. I want to feel better about the person I am today.