So, here we are. You have a physics quiz next week, and I feel incredibly numb with everything in midst of transfer applications. It is almost poetic how similar your 2020 was to 2022. However, things have changed quite a bit. You have changed quite a bit. I can’t help but recollect when you felt almost sorry for yourself this year. Unfortunately, you can’t stop the development of your frontal lobe, it is going to grow no matter how hard you try. You also can’t change others’ perceptions of you, and the only person you got to impress is… yourself. And maybe your mom.
A brief recap: you are in America. Your fall 2021 semester was literally just you, your MacBook, and your dream. You were basically on the brink of depression, but you did not know at the time. You literally told the counselor about how you literally had 0 irl friends back then. So, thank God for physics class. You made great friends with the girls you met Day 1, and you were on track of getting your 12th chauffeur. Spring semester was pretty good, but Summer was a fever dream. You formed a cult you could never imagine forming, memories were made and shit did go down. Your first co-ed friend group since primary school. Look at you go! Celebrate little wins.
I regret to report that you did not complete the goal you set for yourself a year ago. You told yourself to “come to terms with your self-perception”; this is too big of a goal for you to complete in hindsight, and perhaps it would take you a decade more to complete this task. I don’t blame myself for failing to complete the task, I don’t think we are anywhere near understanding your self-perception. You did try to level with yourself with “becoming better leveling”, and you were trying to decipher the few characters you have of yourself with horoscopes. An effort was made.
You’re lucky to be in a place in life where you could constantly reinvent yourself and your image. You no longer need to dwell in the past embarrassment of the cringe, where all that is buried deep beneath the archives of Instagram. This is a great power to wield, but it also came with the tremendous responsibility of being in control of your own identity. If you are in control of your own narrative and your own LinkedIn, you have no other excuses when you are disappointed with who you are, and what you have become. At one point, you can’t separate yourself from the persona. You are what you show to people, and you need to take responsibility for that.
I guess this relates to your long-lasting ego problem. You’re 19 now, stop letting your ego get the best of you. Stop being jealous of successful people just because you think they are having a better time than you. Stop looking down at others just because you don’t think they are girlbossing hard enough. People have different priorities, people pick different paths. But when you get humbled up, don’t give in. Don’t “give up” because the world is unfair. Work harder because the world is unfair. You have nobody to compare yourself to, you have nobody to prove yourself to. I really don’t understand you sometimes, you have both a massive ego problem and a self-doubt problem. You are weird, but I believe in you nonetheless.
Your pursuit of edginess makes you noble. Your delusions of grandeur compel you to become someone on a scale grander than what others can possibly imagine. Whenever you feel like losing, you need to remind yourself why you are there in the first place. Why you jumped into opportunities headfirst two years ago. Don’t ever, ever, forget that. Your 18-year-old self avoids opportunities and makes excuses for you because deep down, you feel sorry for yourself. Your 18-year-old self is not willing to face that girlboss shadow of herself because she thinks she could not be better than that. If you continue to do it, you are going to peak in high school. That is your biggest fear. Don’t avoid opportunities because you are scared.
This leads me to your goal for your 19th year on Earth. As we can see, this is the very last of your teenage years. Where the hell’s your teenage dream??? Try to make this one good, please. I know. What the hell. The 10s ran by… what a ride. You are about to start the most overratedly good decade of your life, the 20s, so make sure you do your best and make 19 the year for the books. For this year, I want you to write the first draft. The first draft of everything, of your essays, of your activities, of the rest of yout life. It is the initiative that matters. I learned that from the romcom I watched last night, believe it or not. Start your first drafts of what you believe you will become in the future. Start your first drafts of changing your ego. Doesn’t matter how shit the start is, you have bore too much of the unbearable lightness of being. Just. Start. I thought you didn’t care what people thought.
I hope you don’t give up whatever happens when you are 19, life has barely started. I honestly do not know which college you are going in next year, but I hope it is a college you truly like. Academics are everything and nothing. Up till this point, you have a 4.0. Another way to put is, you have nothing but a 4.0. Your ego is fragile as your 4.0. Your future employer doesn’t care about what school you were in, but you need to make sure you will thrive in these two years. The name or the ranking of the college does not matter, don’t let others make you think otherwise.
Another year ‘round the Earth, you will be fine. Everything is going to be fine. 18 could be better, could be worse. Make 19 a nice one for the last of your teenage years, alright?