Or, alternatively, the logical explanation of illogical sentimentalists overthinking about the fear of rejections from others.
I feel bad for saying no to things. Whether it is ice cream, studying in the library, parties, or sleepovers, I often second-guess my decision when I know in my gut that I made the right choice. This has something to do with FOMO, perhaps, for the road not taken often looks more attractive than reality. We just have to negotiate with ourselves that life is made out of good and bad choices, and that’s what makes us human. What would other people think of you when you say “no”? Would your rejection hurt others? Well, if we are not sugarcoating things, then yes. It will hurt people, but if you did the math right, then it should only be temporary. Hurt and grief will pass, but mistakes and regrets often last. If you know that person well and they understand where you are coming from, this should not damage them permanently.
Women are socialized to say yes. You don’t want to offend anyone by spreading negativity, the virtue of being “agreeable”, by itself, implies that women should be pleasant creatures that offer nothing but peace and happiness for others to enjoy. In fact, when you think of the mechanism of a marriage proposal, the man is literally putting societal pressure upon a woman, who, partially due to the swept-away-at-the-moment phenomenon, gets lightheaded and say “yes”, so the guy on one knee would be able to stand up and put a leash onto the woman’s finger that would probably chain her forever, disguised as a blessing.
Woah, all of this sounds like I just rejected somebody’s marriage proposal or something. No, I’m just trying to rewire my brain by recounting the things I have done and the choices I have made in the past. Perhaps you said no to something, and it somehow backfired or it made you left wondering what could have been. I wrote 2 years ago, “As long as you stay blissfully imaginative, anything could happen on the other side.” The beauty of keeping that Pandora’s Box forever locked is that you could make up anything in your head. If there is no objective truth to what could have happened, and no objectively correct way of doing things, then there would be no need to churn those sorrowful thoughts over and over again in your head.
If you prefer the more sentimental way of thinking ways, may I offer you the concept of fate? If something (or someONE hmm) is really meant to be, they will come back to you, or you will go back to them. Just like Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. Elizabeth spent days and nights regretting her rejection of Darcy’s proposal, but fate brought them back together and Darcy made things right this time. However, you look at couples like Laurie and Jo, fate did not bring the two back together because they were probably not “meant to be”. Jo’s rejection of Laurie did not make any sense to Laurie or the hopeless romantic reader back then (including me), but as I got older and started having ideas and goals similar to Jo’s, I understood why Jo made her decision and let Laurie go. This is how fate works, at least according to my fellow female writers.
Y’know, one day, when you look back to all those things you have done that made you wind up here, you will realize that your choice meant very little to the grand scheme of things. Don’t lock yourself in the cell of regret and failure. That ice cream you didn’t eat, that sleepover you didn’t go to, that guy you didn’t date… one bad decision doesn’t alter lives, but a hundred bad decisions accumulate to form an avalanche of regrets. Don’t build your life around things you didn’t do, build it based on things you’ve done and the things you will do.
We eat and we drink, we feel and we think
Far down the street we stray
I laugh and I cry and I'm haunted by
Things I never meant nor wished to say
The midnight rain follows the train
We all wear the same thorny crown
Soul to soul, our shadows roll
And I'll be with you when the deal goes down
Bob Dylan, “When the Deal Goes Down”