I am turning 20 in a couple of days.
Okay, let me do this again with a bit more excitement.
I am turning 20 in a couple of days...!
Truth is, I am not overly excited about this supposed "best decade of my life". I feel like the real challenge is coming ahead, and I'm not too fond of it. I wished that people would take their time growing up, so I can take my time growing up; but unfortunately, 20 is that stage in life where you could probably no longer pretend to be young.
This is terrible. I am a two-decade-old artifact. I was born twenty years ago. 2003 was twenty. years. ago. Can you believe that?
I vividly remember the day I turned ten. After dinner, I walked in front of my parents, crossing the King’s Road late at 10 pm, contemplating my age. “Now that you’re 10,” I thought to myself, “you might have experienced all the digit changes of your life. You might have one more if you’re lucky, but for most people, this is it.”
This is it. That. was. it.
I think that 10-year-old person would be proud of me for making it through this decade. The first half was a blur, god knows the things I’ve done that were confusing. But for the second half, you have accomplished a lot.
I am pleased to say that my 19th year on this Earth was pretty good. Better than my 18th, I would say. There were a lot of things that I achieved over the past year, things that I would remember for the rest of my life (hopefully).
Let's go back to your identity problem. I used to wish that people understood more of my serious side than my goofy side. I wanted to kill the jester so people could take me more seriously. But, the truth is, I don't think it is possible. I am slowly realizing the part of me that's the jester, will always be in my blood. It is fortunately but also unfortunately an integral part of you. But the good news is, it is not that bad of a first impression. I think having this enthusiastic, approachable demeanor really draws people in. And people like you for that, so why can't you like yourself for that? Instead of focusing so much on the issues that your personality brings, can you instead change your expectations of how you want to be perceived? You want to be that mysterious, dark stranger that lures people in, but unfortunately, that will probably have to be your secondary personality from now on. Let’s not be that negative, trying-to-someone-else energy to the third decade of your life.
You are not the party person, nor the lone wolf. You are not a big yo-dog, nor are you a weird-ass nerd. You are somewhere in between. And I think there is a lot more merit in that than you are leading yourself to believe. You are an enigma that you cannot decipher, and I hope you can come to terms with your perception of yourself, don't dwell in yesterday's glory and move on with your next chapter. I know you are in a bit of a transition right now, having not a particular passion in any particular subject outside of your career; if this continues, I do not doubt that you are going to turn into one of those people you despise the most. If you want to break the mold, you have got to break your rigid ideas of "cool", "cringe", and everything in between. You are too good at setting boundaries for others, but at one point I do think you have to work on your boundaries with yourself. Forgive yourself.
Pivoting to a whole different topic, I do want to set a new goal for 20-year-old me. As the beginning of the second decade of your life, I hope you can learn how to follow through. It is like the next chapter of "starting that first draft": you know how much more you could accomplish if you follow through with your discipline and your goals. Stop being a sugar addict. Go to the gym. Apply for more gigs. Be more proactive in connecting with others. I know it's hard. But you need to move out of your comfort zone so you can grow. So you're not stuck inside the house listening to the same 3 songs.
Growing old will only get slower and sadder from now on. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I wish you the blastiest blast 20-year-old year and the overall start of the 3rd decade of your life.