I caught me talking to myself today.
Maybe I’m just not used to the quarantine life. I see a lot of people complaining about being bored or not doing anything, but they don’t seem to feel as remorseful and as uneased as I am; maybe they all hid behind their eternal sunshine of a spotless social media profile and their the façade of quirkiness and weirdness, but I am truly feeling like a poor, restless soul right now waking up everyday and realising that I am chilling my life away. I am, in fact, guilty of the same crime. I don’t express my unease online because that is not expected of you. Even if you do it, what’s the point? Attention? Boo-hoo-poor-you? So there we go folks, and for my next trick, I will show you how to put a smile on that dark, cynical mind.
Or maybe I need to chill. It might be the internal social anxiety that I’m not used to. It is the idea of not fitting into the optimum productivity that I am afraid of. The fact that I am chilling and not doing stuff makes me want to puke. I am holding onto the last crumb of sanity. I wouldn’t say it is pitch black, but it is all blurry and confused. I am used to manifesting on what I’m going to do, am used to being aware of my surroundings and am used to knowing when to do the right thing at the right time. Mein kempf is the lack of direction, lack of self-motivation between these four walls. The yellow wallpaper is creeping behind my back, I can sense its presence taking over my lucidity.
One piece of advice I’m giving myself: chill but actually don’t chill. Chilling your heart, but not your soul. Listen to some jazz. In fact, listen to Heart and Soul by Hoagy Carmichael. This is exactly what Corona wants you to think. I am not on the brink of losing my mind. I am just slowly losing my marbles. Like when they fall down from a high table, when you see them at the brink of falling but you can’t do anything about it. She is just standing there, doing nothing about it. She feels guilt, not cause she didn’t save the marbles but because she just stood there watching the marbles fall. Not detached to reality, just hitting too close to home. You know when your phone/ laptop is fully charged but it still burns like hell?
Burnout.
I’m so tired, I haven’t slept a wink
I’m so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No, no, no
You’d say I’m putting you on
But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm
You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain
You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane
You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
For a little peace of mind
~I’m So Tired by The Beatles
#InHerOwnWrite